Big Data

Somebody should make a spoof of Star Trek: The Next Generation with a painted John Goodman in a baseball cap, as "Big Data"

Big Data: I've scanned the planet's internal communication network.

Picard: Any findings?

Big Data: I've found 2.5 billion correlations. 1.54 billion are trivial. 976 million appear to be spurious but demand further study to be sure. [looks confused] The inhabitants appear to have drawn deeper meaning from the fact that gluten and satan rhyme.

Picard: [annoyed] Is there anything we can use in our openning negotiations?

Riker: Yes Something useful. You know the Hipstrions drove psuedowheat extinction.

Troi: Such a tragedy. If someone had just told them it had more gluten than regular wheat, it would still exist.

Big Data [taps his panel]: Narrowing pattern queries to what appears to be the ruling demographic. [beep!] Ah. Suggest we offer off-planet tax havens and medical assistance in the form of erectile disfunction treatments.

Picard: That's it? That's the best?

Big Data: There also appears to be high demand for... [clearly quoting from his display] "Hot bored housewives in your area." There is a lot of visual data here. Shall I put it on screen?

Piccard [Quickly]: No need!

Riker [getting up and crossing to look over Big Data's shoulder] Why is it always hot bored housewives?

Troi (piercing the back of Riker's skull with a gimlet gaze) That's what I'd like to know.