Stupid Stupid Stupid

I hesitate to even bring this up, but I think it will be educational to some folks out there. I've been dealing with depression for some time. There. I said it. I used to work in a very competitive, confrontational, and political environment. That was when the depression really got a hold of me. I eventually jumped ship, but the damage was done. I'm in a MUCH better place now, but I'm still suffering. Worse, I basically had to hit reset on my career and now feels very much like a dead-end job. Yeah, I shouldn't be complaining when I have a job in this political climate, but depression flips the bird at reasonable arguments. It's a real bastard.

Credit to "Hyperbole and a Half"

Credit to "Hyperbole and a Half"

Anyway, I hope this goes some way toward explaining why I haven't been dedicating the attention to the blog that I would have liked. The funny thing about depression is that it basically removes anything that could be related to "gumption." You have an almost impossible time convincing yourself that your actions are wanted, or matter to anyone, or are even competent or in any way worth doing. It drains you of the energy to do anything other than subsist, and sometimes you can barely do that. And you can't reason with it.

This probably contributed to what was (financially at least) the biggest mistake of my life. I had several hundred bitcoins in Mt. Gox. In retrospect, I should have withdrawn them months ago. I was stupid. I'll own that. You see, every time I thought of making a withdrawal, I also thought about how stupid I would feel if I transferred to my own wallet and then failed to back it up properly, or lost control of it, or somehow botched it. It was the depression talking, telling me I wasn't up to the task. That's why I was ready to trust Mt. Gox more than I trusted myself.

Credit to "Hyperbole and a Half"

Credit to "Hyperbole and a Half"

Depression effects the way you think. It made me make bad decissions, and of course it's effecting the way I deal with this. The "natural" response is to think about what I could have done with those bitcoins. What could have been. I was going to quit my dead-end job and write a kick-ass series of novels. I'm pretty confident that they'd have been kick-ass because even in my worst times of depression, I was pretty darned proud of what I had so far. Even in my depression, I got 50,000 words into the first draft of book one. I got stopped short when I realized shear size of the world I was making. I needed to fall back and do some Tolkeinesque linguistic, typographic and cartographic development. I also needed to properly flesh out the FULL story ark across the entire series so I could maintain Rowlingish continuity across the series. It was a bigger job than what I could reasonably do in an hour or two a day. I had hope, though. I was going to be able to use the bitcoins to fill the financial gap while I hammered out those details and shipped the books. Maybe I'd find I could make a living that way, or maybe I'd just have some time away from my normal career to heal via "creative therapy."

That's all on hold now. The Mabelliad (working title) is just going to have to sit in the corner, shooting me accusatory looks for bring it almost into being.

Ditto with the blog. I have an "On Hold" folder in Ominfocus with 184 would-be Dadstruction projects. My thought was that mornings would be time for intensely creative activities like novel writing, and the lower energy afternoons and evenings would be spent on the projects that were more hands-on or required the presence of my partner in crime and number one beta tester. So many arduinos, and so little time...

Well, crap. Crap Crap Crap.

I shouldn't dwell on what could have been, but with depression, it's sometimes almost impossible not to. Your brain keeps going there unbidden. They call them invasize thoughts, and they suck like a really negative guest who also refuses to leave.

There's one bit that surprises me, though. I would I thought I'd be bitter. I've been a big booster of bitcoin right from the beginning. My plan was always to treat it as it was meant to be used: as a currency. There was so much talk from the pundits about "inherent value," that treated bitcoins like virtual gold. It's not. It's virtual currency. Folks would ask me when I was going to "cash out" and I would just smile. How do you "cash out" of what is already cash? I was going to spend it in this new and exciting economy.

Now it feels like I've been kicked out of the club.

I would have thought I'd develop a case of sour grapes, but I can't manage it. Bitcoin is still probably going to be the international currency of the future. Even if his Daddy blew it, I owe it to my little man help him learn about it.

I've put my wallet address on the site. Maybe some kind soul will shove a few Satoshis my way to play with. Maybe little man can learn from my mistakes. He's the part I put the most effort into not thinking about. I've missed so much of his childhood so far to long hours and pressing deadlines. I tried to be around more, little guy. I just screwed up and I'm sorry.